This One is for the Girls

Good morning!

It’s basically eight in the morning, and I don’t recall the last time I was awake (and fully rested) at this time. Perhaps one of my least favorite things about nineteen. Sleep is hard.

I was just looking at a few old pictures of myself, and I was curious about something. In about half the pictures I take, I’m wearing some sort of makeup. And I hate those pictures. Sometimes it’s just mascara and eyeliner, and other days I’ll put my whole face on. If I were to describe myself in two words, I would use 1) plain, and 2) granola. I’m not dirty, no, I just hate makeup. 

I refuse to be one of those women who is scared of letting someone see what I “really” look like, because I should always look like what I really look like. Unfortunately, that’s apparently not how society works. I’ve been told my whole life that beauty is pain.

Wax everything, because the hair we were born with is disgusting, and no one wants to look at it. Okay, so I’ve been waxing my eyebrows and “mustache” since I was fourteen. FOURTEEN.

Enhance the natural color of your eyes with these shades of eye shadow, because your eyes aren’t pretty enough without a “smokey” outline.

If you put bronzer on your cheekbones you’ll appear more delicate, older, and mature.

It wasn’t until I realized that I wear makeup for other people that I realized I actually like myself without it.

One hundred percent of the time, I feel prettier without makeup. (Sorry, mom) I learned at a young age that society will judge me in every facet of my existence, and I just had to be okay with it. There was no way that I could just feel okay with myself, because other people might not like me.

My mom helped me wax my eyebrows, because she was probably scared that I’d be made fun of in school. She taught me how to wear makeup so that I could make friends, and be pretty. I love her for that, but I’m sad that I had to teach myself how to be strong enough to realize that looks do not matter. 

Your body is borrowed, and it’s the one you’re going to have until the day you die. Take pride in it, and make your health a priority. Love yourself, because you pour more negative energy into yourself than you’ll ever pour into another human being. It is terrifying how mean we can be to our reflection in the mirror.

You don’t know how beautiful you look when you smile. You don’t get to see the way your eyes light up when you’re talking about your favorite book, or something that you’re absolutely passionate about. You only get to see the way you look at yourself in the mirror, and the pictures you take of yourself, or that others take of you.

Believe me when I say that you are beautiful. I don’t even know you, but if you have ever really smiled, or died of laughter, you are a beautiful person. You have created light in someone’s heart, and people fucking appreciate you. Don’t let yourself down by repeatedly knocking yourself over every chance you get to stand up.

Hehe, one time I put a full face of makeup on before work, because I kept thinking “I want to look pretty today.” Upon arriving at work, I stared at myself in the parking lot. I painted several colors onto my face so that I could enhance the way I really looked. What good does that do?

None.

I have learned to love myself. I fall in love with everything around me, and my heart melts when people notice things about my that don’t pertain to the way I look.

You’re smart. You’re lovely. You’re funny. You have a way with words. You are so nice. You’re strong. You are worth everything you could possibly want. Your heart is so big. You have a beautiful body, and you are a beautiful soul.

Fall in love with yourself, because it truly is what matters. Everything that you think about truly matters. Embrace yourself.

AF

Breathless Moments

Greetings, fellow readers, writers, monsters, and everyone in between.

I am nineteen years old. A tiny baby through the eye of the universe, for I have hardly stepped my toes into the pond of life. People come and go, but they leave us with moments that ultimately paralyze us, whether it be with happiness or sorrow.

Being as young as I am, I have experienced moments of pure elation, and the kind of things that have broken me apart. I used to wonder about the amount of hurt a human can handle. I no longer believe that we are the kind of species to give in. We are so strong. We survive the most painful events, and we learn from every single feeling we experience. How beautiful is that?

In my opinion, the most wonderful gift that we have been given is that we don’t get to know what “could have” happened in a different circumstance. We don’t have the knowledge of events that “should have” taken place. We are left with the memories of what has happened, and we have these lessons beaten into our minds that tell us how to survive tomorrow. It’s only when you go further into your own mind that you learn all about the ability to thrive. Surviving isn’t the goal, and it should never be the goal. Don’t ever lose your craving for life.

When I was sixteen, I fell in love for the first time. You were coming back from a 5 day camping trip and you were about to embark on a small trip to Seattle. My heart longed for you in your absence, and I had never craved another human beings presence so much. I couldn’t figure out exactly how to put the way I felt until you hugged me and told me you loved me. Without as much as a pause of hesitation, I responded. I told you that I loved you, too, and it was the first time I truly felt safe inside someone’s heart.

When I was eleven, I felt betrayal for the first time in my life. The day my parents sat me down to deliver the news of their upcoming separation, my heart broke. My life was never going to be the same, and neither was theirs. I could feel the pain in the room around me, and I fell silent. I haven’t been able to acknowledge my true feelings about that moment to this day, but I felt so scared. I remember thinking to myself as a child, “man, am I glad I have the perfect family.” I suppose I only wish I could have known what unhappiness truly felt like before I convinced myself that my parents were the epitome of just the opposite. I wanted to believe that true love existed, and I wanted so badly to believe that I was the creation of something beautiful like love. Since then, however, I have grown to understand why things don’t necessarily last forever. Nothing in the world is set in stone, and I love that about the universe. Its constant flow of energy forces us to constantly change who we are, and I absolutely love my parents for what they did. They chose to take different routes in life, and they wanted the happiness they deserve. If you two are reading this, I appreciate you so much. More than you’ll ever know. You’ve taught me everything I know, and I can’t wait to pass that knowledge on.

When I was seventeen, I felt helpless for the first time in my life. I spent a year volunteering for the most beautiful organization. They specialize in immediate grief counseling. I was trained to be a grief counselor when I was seventeen. I had spent a year being able to help those who needed me, and there was one day that truly broke me. I received a text that morning, a student had passed away at a high school near my district. When I arrived at the school to set up a grieving room for students and staff to mourn the loss, I was startled to find that no one seemed to care. I read this students’ story over and over again, and I gave him a place in my heart. I never met them, and I wanted so badly to make sure their story was not forgotten. Rage consumed me when I faced the challenge of feeling helpless when all I was supposed to do was help. I mourned that student that day, and I swallowed my anger for the good of myself and those around me. I learned that only I can make myself feel helpless, and I’m the only one that can make sure I don’t stay that way. Rest in peace, love. I know it’s been two years, but I think about you often. You inspired strength in me that I wasn’t sure I had. I wish I could have known you while you walked among the rest of us.

When I was eighteen, I felt heartbreak for the first time. I vividly remember opening my door to see you standing in front of me, terrified of the words that were about to escape your lips. I could feel the space between us widening, and I wanted so badly to pull you back in. I don’t know whether it hurt me more that I saw it coming, or that no matter how much I loved him, it just wouldn’t be enough. When your heart breaks, the physical pain of your soul attempting to embed itself into your muscles hurts more than the words. The only person I knew that could take the pain away was the one person who delivered it to my front door. Tears flooded my eyes, and the only words that escaped my mouth were “please, don’t leave.” And he did. I don’t know if I have ever fully recovered from that moment, but it taught me more about myself than any other experience. Humans are resilient creatures, and letting go of first love hurts like hell, but the promise of loving again makes everything so much more beautiful.

I know I have experienced much more than this, but these are the select moments that I can recall losing my breath. I have been knocked over more times than you could believe, but the strength I carry with me makes every painful experience worth it.

AF

A Few Friendly Reminders

Humans are strange. We tend to do things to each other, and we don’t necessarily understand that we are hurting each other and ourselves. I want to point out a few friendly reminders that you should live by, as a human being:

1. Skinny shaming is rude. Fat shaming is rude. Shaming people for things they cannot control is rude. If you’re picking up the hint I’m dropping, then I think you understand what I’m trying to say. I was born with a metabolism faster than a flying bullet, and that was apparently reason enough to be tortured throughout middle school. At times, I just prayed that I would gain weight so that people could stop telling me to eat cheeseburgers. During the summer, my friends often refused to hangout with me at the pools because I was thinner than them. In the eighth grade, I asked a boy out (stay tuned for another friendly reminder), and his friend responded with “no, Anorexis, *blank* does not want to go out with you. He probably couldn’t hug you without snapping you in half.” Sigh. And the middle school blues ensued. Because of how horrible I felt when I was shamed for the inability to gain weight, I would never shame someone for their inability to lose it. In fact, I wouldn’t shame anyone for something they cannot control.

Sidenote: It does not matter whether they are a celebrity or your next door neighbor, there is no reason for your opinion to be heard if it’s going to do anything but empower someone. Also: you might think that telling someone they’re “too skinny” is a compliment. Remove this stupid idea from your mind, punch yourself straight in the nose, and then ask someone how their day is going instead.

2. Girls, you can make the first move. When I was growing up, I was often scared of my innate nature to want to be the one to approach guys and let them know I liked them. Perhaps I’m impatient, but I don’t want to sit around and wait to find out whether or not you like me through the rumor mill. It wasn’t until late in high school that I embraced my “masculine” energy, and started acting how I wanted to. This means: It’s okay to text a guy first, and he’s probably just as nervous as you are. If he’s not, good. Now you know, and you can move on. There’s no need to torture yourself into holding back something you want to say when you want to say it. If you’re a girl who likes watching guys chase after her, good. Let them chase you, girl. We live in a universe of crazy possibilities, and miracles happen every day. Do not be scared of whether or not someone is going to think you’re being too forward, that’s a waste of energy. Also, if you ever make fun of someone for making a first move, please understand how difficult it might have been for them to build up enough courage to do so. Treat humans with care.

3. Guys, you don’t need to pretend like you don’t have human emotions. I know I’m not the only girl who is sick and tired of you fella’s pretending like things don’t bother you. This means that when someone hurts you, it’s okay to be sad. If you like a girl, you don’t need to tell your friends that she’s just a bootycall when they joke around about you two. You don’t need to be the alpha male, and you don’t need to act like you’re this ultimate badass who feels nothing, and is impacted by nothing. That’s unhealthy. This goes for you ladies out there as well. Be yourself. You could very well be hurting someone close to you by hiding your feelings behind a wall, and you’re definitely hurting yourself.

4. It’s okay to put your needs in front of someone else’s. Love is crazy and unfair, but the most unfair thing you can do for yourself is put your needs on the back burner while you’re tending to someone else’s. Toxic people aren’t always bad for you. Sometimes they can be a person you love, but can’t be with forever, and that’s okay. It’s alright to admit that you value your life enough to treat it with kindness. Sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith, and know that things are going to be okay.

5. It is okay to be alone. No one is looking at you while you’re in a cafe by yourself, thinking: “man, where are all her friends?” I know this, because 1) people don’t take all of their friends everywhere they go, and 2) no one is paying attention to your state of loneliness, unless they’re trying to swoop in and join you. I remember having this crazy anxiety right before I would enter a party alone. I figured everyone would be looking at me, and I knew they would hate the way my dress looked on me. Before I knew it, I had wasted majority of my time worrying about what everyone thought about me, and I realized that I hadn’t taken two minutes to care about what anyone else was wearing, or what their hair looked like. In that moment, I realized that no one else cared, either. If they did, then they’re not a part of my life, and that’s okay.

6. It’s absolutely none of your business who has slept with whom, and who is currently sleeping with whom. That’s all.

Don’t hurt yourself, and do refrain from hurting others as well.

AF

Post-Turkey Day

Happy Post-Turkey Day, friends.

Today is the day after Thanksgiving. It’s also referred to as Black Friday. If you’re familiar with American culture, you also understand that today is the day most of us forget all about what we were thankful for yesterday.  This means we’re already trampling over each other in stores, because TV’s and socks are 30% off. But really, who could pass up on that?

So, it’s Friday, and I want to talk about the things I am still grateful for, even though I don’t have a 25 pound turkey and mashed potatoes in front of me.

I am still grateful for people who make me smile. I have definitely experienced difficult days when forcing a smile is the only thing keeping me there. Sometimes life will kick me on the ground, and leave me for dead. Sure, I gain strength by standing up again, but I’m never where I was. I take for granted some peoples’ ability to put a smile on my face. If you’ve ever made me laugh, know that you might have completely turned my day around, and that I think of you fondly. I am so thankful to know people who recognize me even when I’ve been scorned by reality. I am so thankful for the people in my life who won’t give up on me even when I seem broken.

I am still grateful for my health. I was born on the 14th of April in 1995. Weighing in at 7 pounds and 11 ounces, I was skinny, but I had all 10 fingers and all 10 toes. I had a normal cry, and a normal childhood. My brain works as good as it can, and I am a quick learner. I am blessed. Nineteen years later, and I have never broken a bone, or even scarred my skin. I am healthy. My family is healthy. I am thankful to have the rest of my life to look forward to.

I am still grateful for the beauty that exists where I live. I mean, c’mon. I live in Vancouver. Washington, not BC. And no, Washington State, not DC. I’m twenty minutes from Portland, an hour and a half from the Pacific Ocean, an hour from Mount Hood, and fifteen minutes from any river or water source. We get hot summers, rain, beautiful sunsets, and Fall couldn’t be prettier. The Northwest is my home, and I am thankful for the ability to see just about anything I want. We’re also a bunch of granola-heads.

I am still grateful for the ability to see myself as more than an object. I went through a phase of my life where I was so concerned about whether or not people thought I was pretty, that it just didn’t matter what I thought. It didn’t matter what my friends or family thought, because I wanted everyone to like me. Focusing on other people’s opinions of me turned me into this object that craved good attention. All I cared about was whether or not someone else believed that a rumor was true, and not whether it was actually true or not. I have grown since then, and I am happy with myself. I am thankful that I outgrew the mentality that my life is meant to be lived for other people. If I never made this realization, I don’t know where my life would be, because I wouldn’t have time to grow from my mistakes. So, I am thankful for that. Now I get to focus on the people who do love me, and I don’t have to care about the opinions of anyone else.

Happy Black Friday. Be safe, and don’t go around trampling people for a brand new X-Box. You’re all better than that! Think about the things you’re still grateful for, and hold onto them. I know I’m grateful for many broad things, but there are little things and people that I am so happy to know:

Brittney Lynne Sparks and Alina Silanova, you are my best friends. I am eternally grateful for the priceless advice you have given me over the years, and I will never forget about the unconditional love you have blessed me with. We don’t get to choose our family, but we get to choose our friends, and that’s why I’ve chosen you guys. I never really thought that I would leave high school with a million acquaintances and “friends,” but come away with 2 amazing and true people to spend my time with.

James Don Ferguson, Terri Lynn, and Matthew James Ferguson, you are my little family. I know I come from a “broken home,” *wink* but I am so grateful for everything you guys have given me. From braces, to punishments, to lectures, to your appreciation of my accomplishments, you guys have blessed me. Growing up under two households sounds worse than it is. I am so grateful that I had two parents who cared enough about me to make sure I saw them on a regular basis. That’s cool. A lot of people don’t have that, and I am glad that I got to grow up with all of you. I love you, and I’ll always appreciate your contribution to making me who I am. I am grateful for you.

Everyone else, I love you. And you mean the world to someone, so tell them that you appreciate them, because you never really know how little you actually say it until you do.

A.F

Nine Fifty in the Morning

Hello, again.

I am a naïve human being. I struggle to say “no” when I mean it, and my heart hurts for the lack of faith I have in the humanity that surrounds me. Brutally stubborn, and utterly relentless, I am making my best attempt at growing up. Recently, I have received some beautiful pieces of advice from people closest to me, and I want to share it with those of you who might be lost, too.

1. If it won’t matter one year from now, seriously, don’t sweat it. About two weeks ago, I stormed through my house, demanding to be heard. I was mad, and my world was ending. I found my dad, an innocent bystander, and I vented almost immediately to him once he could tell something was wrong. “My laptop is broken,” I exclaimed, and continued to cry, “I lost my job, and my fucking check engine light is on!” And there you have it, the entire world was against me, and there was nothing I could do about it. He just laughed at me, and replied with: “So I guess it’s that time of month, because you’re usually so strong about this bullshit, and you’re being stupid right now.” And he was right. A couple of days later, my laptop was fixed, and my check engine light dealt with. Crying about things might feel good in the moment, but the only way to truly deal with your problems as the adult you’re expected to be is to hold yourself together, and come up with the kind of solution that will make the tears go away.

2. Tell people how you feel, when you feel it. Games are elementary, and stressing out about how to respond to a single text message to “make someone like you” is a waste of time and energy. A boy recently confessed his love for me, telling me that he had loved me for awhile, but never said anything. A silly boy who used up his chance with me by hushing me like a bad secret actually expected something in return. A response. “I love you, too” probably. It’s funny how little words can mean when they’re a few years too late. Don’t waste your time dwelling in fear of potential rejection, because the worst someone can say is “no,” and in the grand scheme of things, “no” is a lot easier to swallow than “Yeah, I loved you when I was sixteen, sorry.”

3. Do what makes you happy. I can’t tell you how hard I have to bite my tongue when I watch people who preach “happiness” wallowing in their self-pity over the way their lives turned out. Reality check: you’re not happy, because you’re not letting yourself be happy. This doesn’t mean that you need to have your dream job, live in a giant house, and have a beautiful boyfriend. No. Happiness comes from you, and the enjoyment you put into everything and everyone you come across. I can genuinely say that your happiness is 100% dependent on you, and you only go wrong when you infuse negativity into your daily routine, and lean on others for the support you’re lacking. No matter how impossible you think it’s going to be to put a smile on your face, do it. Because that will make you happy, and it is so incredibly easy to do.

4. Practice what you preach. This is a big one, ladies and gentlemen. There comes a point in everyone’s life when they will tell their best friend to dump their significant other, even though they are stuck in a toxic relationship themselves. If you preach happiness, be fucking happy. If you preach “living in the wrong generation,” and “hating technology,” then get off the goddamn internet, and go do whatever you want to do. Nobody wants to hear you preaching “living in the moment” when they know you’re dying in your past. So take your own advice, and let yourself become the person you want so badly to become before you force anything down someone else’s throat.

5. If you’re constantly waiting for your future, it will pass by you, and you won’t even see it. My biggest fear is being 39, and looking back on 19, thinking about how good I might have had it. I’m terrified that I will spend my entire life waiting for tomorrow, and then there won’t be any more tomorrow’s, and I will have successfully wasted every yesterday I’ve ever had. Don’t make this your reality, and just live in the moment. It’s easier than you think, and it will actually make you a happier person. Dwelling on the future is just as detrimental as dwelling in your past.

So, there you have it. Five pieces of advice I have received from loved ones this year that have clung by me through most of the decisions I have made. What are some pieces of advice you’ve been given/would like to share with me?

AF

Breaking the Ice

Greetings, fellow humans.

Now I know that none of you know the first thing about me, and I like that. I am an Aries with the mind of a Libra. This means I strive for peace, however, I have a tendency to exhibit my dominance over certain matters and principles. I am a nineteen year old brunette who is absolutely frightened by adulthood, and the pressures it brings. If you’re still reading, you probably understand how scary it is to watch your acquaintances and classmates get married and have children while you’re still taking bong rips and taping Olde 40’s to your hands for entertainment. You are not alone. Dazed and confused, I call it. Today is Monday, November 17th, and I want to share the current state of my life.

1. I feel passion in my bones when I pick up a pen and paper, or stroke my fingers against a keyboard. I aspire to write novels, and you will read the literature burning in my mind one day.

2. Naivety runs deep in my bones, and my innocence shines brighter than my knowledge at times. I often wonder about how we choose the families we’re born into. Families don’t choose us, but rather, we choose them. When I was born, my mother was 20, and my father, 19. Completely ill-equipped for raising a child, they stuck together, and reared me to be the person I am today. As the years went on, separation, divorce, addiction, and obsession ensued. Growing up as a child of divorce taught me more than I could have ever learned about love and life than I ever thought possible. I have found myself through my struggles, and I have witnessed through the eyes of the law and addiction what it means to love someone, and what it means to hate someone.

3. I am confused. My passion is to write, and publish books of my perspective on events through fictitious characters that are based off real-life events and lessons I have learned. I know exactly what I want to be, and the kind of person I am working so hard to become, yet I am pouring money into a college that is teaching me to write and account for spreadsheets and expense reports. I spend my time daydreaming about the characters I have created in my head that exist solely in the world I have dreamt up for myself. One foot in the real world, one foot in the world that I need to cling to the imagination that is second nature.

4. I am stubborn and impulsive. One time I decided that I wanted a tattoo, and found myself under the needle in twenty minutes time. This is who I am, and I have grown to love myself, and expect nothing back. I don’t need judgements, and I don’t need the bullshit. I am an Aries, after all.

So, this is who I am. I am nineteen. I am lost, and I feel crazy. Sometimes I feel like I only have a tiny amount of time before I completely self-destruct, and that I am hanging on by a thread, but here is where I stop dangling over my rock-bottom. Stay tuned, because I want to expose my journey to adulthood, and all the bullshit that comes with it. Email me with your story, and I’ll anonymously post it. We’re all technically human, and we’ve all been lost. Some of us still are (obviously, me) and I think we can all help each other grow up.

AF